Kylie Smylie/Script
radio is playing, and Caitlin is singing along with it. Kylie and Caitlin: "...for a while, and you just play me for a fool/And you just wait!" and Nikki walk up. "I said play me for a fool!" Jen, Caitlin, and Kylie: "And you'll be Mister Yesterday!/You just play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, and walk away, walk away, walk away, yeah." Jen and Caitlin: "EEEE!" Nikki: her ears "Ugh!" Caitlin: "That has to be the best Kylie Smylie song ever!" Jen: "I can't believe she's actually coming to the mall tomorrow for a record signing and a concert!" Caitlin: "Do you think one of us will win the 'Spend the Day with Kylie' contest?" Jen: "Well, the essay I sent in to her website was pretty much the best essay I've ever written." Caitlin: "Mine was five thousand words long!" Jen: "What? Mine was only three thousand words!" Nikki: "I'm sure word count has nothing to do with proving you're fans." Caitlin: "We're not fans! We're Smylies." Nikki: "Smylies? Don't you mean Stalkies?" Jen: gasping "It's three o'clock! She should be sending out the winning phone message any second now!" Caitlin and Jen: "Please pick me, please pick me!" message pops up on Jen's phone. Jen: "EEEE!!!" opens the message. Kylie: Jen "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you lose! But like my song says, just 'cause you lost don't make you a loser." Jen: "Uh, but my essay was so good!" Nikki: "Well, on the upside, not winning means you're still semi-cool!" phone beeps and she answers. Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you–" Nikki: "Ah! Get out of my phone!" deletes the message. Caitlin: "You entered the contest too?" Nikki: "As if I would voluntarily taint my phone with that. Must be a prank." phone beeps. Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Thanks for entering the contest, Caitlin." gasps. "I can't wait to spend the day with you tomorrow! Because you won!" Caitlin: "Woohoo! I won! Aah! EEE!" Jen: "No fair! Two three-thousand word essays for nothing!" Nikki: "Two?" on "You entered me in the contest!" Jen: "What? I would've taken your spot." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Kylie Smylie' ---- ''is pacing nervously. Caitlin: "How's my hair? Is my outfit okay? Anything in my teeth?" Jen: "You look perfect. I'm so happy for you I could POUND SOMETHING!" calmly "Not that I'm jealous." Caitlin: "It's okay, be jealous! I'm about to go with Kylie to a record signing, and a photo op, and watch her concert from the front row!" rushes up. He is wearing a suit and sunglasses. Caitlin: "Huh?" Jonesy: "The name's Garcia. Jonesy Garcia. I'm part of Kylie's security detail." Jen: "What?!? How did you qualify for the job?" Jonesy: "I'm not at liberty to say." remembers how it happened. Ron is dancing with a mannequin in his office. Ron: "Oh, Rastell, you're so graceful. It's like dancing with an angel." Jonesy: "Ahem." uses his cell phone to take a picture. "I know what you're thinking. What's it gonna take to keep this quiet?" in the real world, Jonesy chuckles. Jonesy: "Anyhoo, Kylie's in safe hands now. If anyone can spot a creep, it's me." Nikki: "Takes one to know one." Jonesy: "I can tell you're feeling insecure about this, babe, and rightly so." Nikki: "I'm secure you'll be fired by lunch." Jonesy: "The bodyguard-superstar relationship can get intimate. So if Kylie flirts with me–and she will–obviously I'll have to flirt back. But it won't mean anything, I swear." Caitlin: "Don't even think about it! Kylie's not allowed to date until she's twenty-one, and her dadager will hurt any guy who even winks at her!" Jonesy: "Daddy-ger?" Jen: "Dad-slash-manager. He used to be some pro wrestler, Sergeant–" Jude: "Beef?!?" Jonesy: "Her dad is Sergeant Beef?!? The Alberta Hurta?!? He was a total beast!" Jude: "Yeah, and he had a smokin' finishing move, too! The Cow Pie." cart pulls up, specially decorated. It has on it Ron, Kylie, and a very muscular man. Jonesy: over "Special security detail Jonesy Garcia reporting for duty, sarge!" Kylie "Pleasure's all mine." father leaps forward, growling. "Okay, no pleasure, just business!" Caitlin and Jen: "EEE!" walks up to them. Kylie: "You must be Caitlin. I'm Kylie. I love your outfit!" Caitlin: "Thanks! I love your everything!" hi-five. "These are my friends. Nikki?" Nikki: "Hey." Caitlin: "Jen?" Jen: "I–uhb–bap-bap-bap–blub." slaps her forehead. Caitlin: "And Jude." Jude: "You are crazy hot!" Sgt. Beef: up "You lookin' fer a Cow Pie?" Jude: away quickly "N-no thanks, b-bro." away "Peace out." Caitlin: "Is it okay if Jen gets a photo op with Kylie?" Jen: "Uhp–bah–blah–eeh–" Sgt. Beef: "Never gonna happen! Let's roll!" and Caitlin get on. Jonesy: to get on "I'll just try–okay, well, I'll just squeeze–" picks him up and sets him down by the cart. "Oh sure, I'll just run alongside. All day. No prob." Caitlin: the entourage go past "Bye!" Jen: "Guh–bah–beh." ---- Jude: "I'M KING OF THE DUDES!" skates down the escalator. When he gets to the bottom, though, two hands grab onto his underwear and hold him there, wedgied. Jude: pained "Release the gitch, bras." Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "What'd you say?" Jude: "I said, could you maybe, um, loosen the grip and let me ride?" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "No, I think you said you want a new hat." girls hike Jude's underwear over his head and push him away. Jude: "Whoa! I'm not rolling!" ---- and Nikki walk through the mall. Jen: "I've never been so humiliated! I had my chance and blew it!" Nikki: "Well there's always the record signing." Jen: "You're right! I'll bring all my Kylie collectables and prove I'm not a total loser!" Nikki: "Yeah, just a partial loser. Baby steps." ---- runs alongside the security cart. Jonesy: sweating "Whoo! Shoulda ate a bigger breakfast!" Ron: "You need sulfides, Agent Maggot. No one gets near Smylie!" Jonesy: the approaching fans "Take her to warp speed! We're overrun!" increases the speed and they blow past him. "Legs–on fire–everything–so sparkly." Caitlin: Kylie "What a life! It's so exciting! Do you bring your friends on the road?" Kylie: "I don't really–have friends. No time!" Caitlin: "Real friends come before everything. Except maybe for seriously hot guys." Kylie: "Totally! If only daddy would let me meet a hot guy." stomach rumbles. "Oh! Um, know where we can get some grub?" Caitlin: "I know the perfect place! Burger McFlipster's, please, driver!" ---- is going to try the escalator again. Jude: "The coast is clear...the dude will stunt." skates down the escalator. "Woo-hoo-hoooo!!!" late, he sees the Escalator Girls holding their arms out in a bar. He rams into the bar and goes flying, landing on his back. "Ow...not fair, dudettes! Neutral territory! And before you ask, no, I do not want a new hat!" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "How about a new outfit?" girls grab Jude, pants him, tie his shirt into a belly shirt, tie his hands behind his back, put a rose between his teeth, and push him off on his skateboard. Jude: away "Not cool!" ---- and Nikki are walking through the mall. Jen: "Okay. I've got all her DVDs, every Kylie Beat magazine, plus all her CDs, pins, socks, and press-on nails." Nikki: "Wasn't the goal to look less creepy?" Jen: "Hey!" across Jude "Jude?" Nikki: "More like Judith. What happened?" Jude: "Escalator Girls have a hate-on for the Judester." Nikki: "Aw, what'd the Judester do to them?" Jude: "Begged for mercy." Jen: "Jude! You can't let 'em see you're scared! They feed on fear." Nikki: "It's your mall as much as theirs. Next time, read 'em the riot act." Jude: "You're right! I'll do it! Don't suppose you got a copy of that Riot Act on ya?" ---- is at work singing. Wyatt: "If your burger tastes like ribeye/Then we've done our job for you/If your burger tastes like doughnut/Then something wrong got through." Caitlin: "Kylie, this is my friend Wyatt. Wyatt, this is Kylie!" Wyatt: "Any friend of Caitlin's is a friend of mine." Wayne: Kylie "Holy Pop-tarts!" Kylie: "I gotta say, you have an amazing singing voice." Wyatt: "Thanks." Caitlin: "So does Kylie! You know that song, 'Awesome Awesome Awesome?'" Wyatt: "Sorry, never heard of it." Caitlin: "'Rad Tights?' 'Hot to Trot?' 'Spakin Good?'" Wayne: "Come on! Even I know 'Mr. Yesterday.'" Wyatt: Wayne "Oh, that song? Man, that's the worst song I ever heard!" Caitlin: "Wyatt!" gestures to Kylie. Wyatt: "That's...you?" stupid "Aw, man. I didn't mean–pop music isn't really my bag. But you have a really beautiful face–voice." Kylie: "Oh, thank you." Wyatt: "Here, let me make it up to you with a Wyatt Special. On the house." hands her a burger. Kylie: eating "Mmm. This is the best burger I've ever had." Caitlin: "That's why we're here!" walks into the store, panting and sweating. Jonesy: "Your dad scared me–uh, sent me–to tell you we have to be at Spin This for the record signing in two." leaves. Kylie: "'Kay. Thanks for the burger, Wyatt. Maybe I'll see you at the signing." leaves. Caitlin: "He'll be there!" Wyatt "What Kylie wants, Kylie gets. EEEE!" leaves. Wayne: "She wants you. How did you do it, man?!?" Wyatt: "I have no idea." ---- extremely large line stretches out the door of Spin This. Nikki: sarcastic "Wow, this line is full of winners!" Jen: "I'm so excited, your sarcasm has no effect on me!" Nikki: "Really? Then why am I even here?" the store, Caitlin is sitting next to Kylie as she signs various pieces of memorabilia. Caitlin: chocolate "Security escorts, adoring fans, and endless bowls of chocolate? Being a pop star is the best!" Kylie: "Yeah, it's okay. But between us, you know what I'd rather be doing right now?" Caitlin and Kylie: "Shopping! EEE!" Caitlin: "Pop quiz: accessories or shoes?" Caitlin and Kylie: "Both! EEE!" Serena: up with some coffees "Hey Kylie. Thanks again for doing this signing. Cappucino?" Kylie: one "Thanks." another "And this one's for my best friend Caitlin." Caitlin: "That's me! EEE!" down the line, Sergeant Beef whistles. Jonesy comes up to him, drinking a bottle of water. Sgt. Beef: "You! Anyone with more than five items is a threat. So weed 'em out, starting with the babbler!" points at Jen. Jonesy: "Yeah." off to do his duty "This isn't gonna be awkward." walks up to Kylie. Kylie: "Wyatt! You came!" Wyatt: "Wouldn't miss it for the world." and Kylie look at each other, love in their eyes. Serena stares at them, shocked. ---- is ready to try the escalator run again. Jude: "All clear for takeoff!" goes down the escalator and does a jump at the end. Unfortunately, this jump sends him straight for the Escalator Girls, who have formed a pyramid and grab his board out from under him. Jude crashes. Jude: crashed "Okay bras. Can't we all just chill?" ---- is explaining the situation to Jen. Jonesy: "Yep, according to Beef, you have a 'threatening number of items.' So you gotta lose all but five pronto." Jen: "But how can I not show her my Kylie tape? Or the grilled cheese she took a bite out of that I bought online?" Jonesy: "Okay, cuckoo bird, let's smooth out the feathers and pick a fave five." Jen: "Make an exception! We're family! Kylie, hey, over here! Caitlin, tell her I'm awesome!" Beef and Jonesy tow her away. "Gah! No! I'm sane, I tell you! Not fair!" watches her friend get taken away. Caitlin grins nervously. Jude rolls up to Nikki. He is trussed up like a turkey and set on his skateboard. Jude: "So, I took your advice..." Nikki: "Enough is enough! I'm gonna go set those Escalator Girls straight!" Jude: "Could you set me straight first, bra?" doesn't hear Jude. Serena, meanwhile, grabs Wyatt and moves him a few feet away. Serena: "Wyatt, have you been working out?" Wyatt: "Not unless flipping burgers counts." Serena: "Oh, you. So, Chad and I broke up." Wyatt: "Yeah? But, you'll get back together again eventually, right?" Serena: "Not this time. He'll never be the man you are. I shouldn't have let you go." Wyatt: "Really? Wow." looks back over to Kylie and Caitlin. Kylie: Caitlin "Thanks for introducing me to Wyatt, he seems really sweet." Caitlin: "He's an amazing songwriter, too." Kylie: "Perfect boyfriend material!" Caitlin: shocked "Wyatt? But your dad won't let you date until you're twenty-one!" Kylie: "So you can help me! What daddy doesn't know won't hurt him." Caitlin: "But what Wyatt doesn't know might." Kylie: "Wyatt's so great, you have to help me ask him out while daddy's busy." Caitlin: "Yeah, Wyatt's great, but he kinda needs all his fingers to play guitar, and if your daddy finds out–" realizes that Wyatt and Serena are holding hands. "Oh thank goodne–I mean, darn it! Looks like Wyatt's getting back together with his ex." slumps. "Sorry Kylie." ---- follows Nikki up to the escalator. Nikki continues forward. Jude: "Be careful, bra! It's like they all share the same evil brain!" Nikki: "Yeah! Hey! Escalator trolls! News flash: you don't own the mall!" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "Aw, wussy brought a bodygirl." Nikki: "You three need to get a life! And some mouthwash, by the reek of it." Jude: worried "Easy, Nikki." Nikki: "You guys think you're so tough." Jude: "Nikki!" Nikki: "Well you're about as tough as a b–" pick her up. "Hey! Hey, put me down!" one, the Escalator Girls heave Nikki into a trashcan. Jude: up to her "Tried to warn you, bra." Nikki: out angrily "This. Means. War!" ---- Serena: "So, will you give me another chance?" Wyatt: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but no." gasps. "I'm sorry, Serena. I never thought I'd get over you, but I have. Maybe it's time for you to do the same." walks back to Serena and Kylie. "Okay. That was intense. I just told Serena that she needs to get over me. I'm the man!" Kylie: "So–so–so you two aren't–cool!" on his hand "This is my private number? I'd love to see you again." Wyatt: high-pitched "Really?" his voice "Me too." tries to warn him off. Wyatt looks puzzled, and Kylie looks at Caitlin. Caitlin: a stretch "Yay! This is so great! What could possibly go wrong?" ---- is watching people pass by in Kylie gear. Jen: angry "Go on, be happy! See what I care! Ooh, she signed my shirt, ooh, I'm so awesome." ---- and Jude walk into a hardware store. Nikki's phone rings. Nikki: answering "Lemme guess, you're in a rubber truck on your way to a padded room?" Jen: "Nope, I ran away before the truck arrived." Nikki: "Well, thanks to the Escalator Girls, I now smell like coffee dregs and half-eaten tacos." Jen: "Gross!" Nikki: up a chainsaw "But they will pay. Oh, yes they will." Jen: "I hope it's easier than getting past Beef and Jonesy." Nikki: "I hate to say it, but for once, he's actually good at his job." Jen: "I know. It's so unfair! But Kylie's doing a photo op at Taj Mahome Video, and I have the perfect disguise. So, what are you gonna do about the Escalator Girls?" Nikki: up a drill "I am going to break them." ---- pulls up to Spin This. Ron: "Special Ops Task Force ready for deployment. ETA, the next drop zone Taj Mahome Video. T-minus two minutes." is walking towards the cart when Caitlin grabs him to stop him. Caitlin: whispering "Jonesy! Kylie's into Wyatt!" Jonesy: "Our Wyatt? Dreads, low self-esteem Wyatt?" Caitlin: whispering "Yes! And he's totally clueless about Kylie's dad and his no-dating rule!" Jonesy: "That could be fatal." Kylie: the seat "C'mon, BFF!" Caitlin: "EEE! Coming!" Jonesy "You have to warn Wyatt about Sergeant Beef before it's too late!" Jonesy: "I'm on it!" takes his cell phone out and quickly texts. ---- is working the grill when his phone dings. He picks it up and takes a look. Wyatt: reading "Kylie's hot but Beef is dangerous. Stay away?" annoyed "Still making jokes about me working at a burger joint? Weak." ---- entourage walks into Taj Mahome Video. Jonesy: to Caitlin "Mission accomplished." Caitlin: "Thanks!" Cameraman: "Welcome, Kylie. Please stand here amongst our beautiful dancers." Kylie: "Sure thing! Hi, everyone!" girls all smile at her, except for the somewhat familiar-looking one on the end, who smiles and giggles. The music starts playing, and all but the last one dance in sync. The last one does a kick, and her shoe flies off and hits Sergeant Beef in the face. Ron: in front of Kylie "Security breach! Lock it down! Lock it down!" walks over to the last dancer and rips off her veil. Jen: "AAAAAHHH!" Jonesy and Caitlin: shocked "Jen?!?" Jen: "I swear I'm not a stalker! Stalkers don't have boyfriends, but I do! Long distance, but still! Just sign my sandwich and let me smell your hair!" Ron, and Beef grab her. "Aah! I don't know why I just said that! I need a photo with you!" Caitlin: Kylie "I'm so sorry about that, she's very goal-oriented. But harmless, I swear!" Kylie: "Hey, I owe her one for causing the distraction." off "Wish me luck with Wyatt!" Caitlin: "Huh?" Jen: crazily "I stood beside her! Kylie! Kylie! I smelled!" Jonesy: "Hey, where is Kylie?" Sgt. Beef: "Show starts in fifteen." Jonesy: Caitlin "Any idea where she went?" ---- is flipping burgers. Kylie: "Hi." Wyatt: "Whoa. Hi." Kylie: "Anywhere we can be alone for a bit?" Wyatt: "Really? Uh, yeah. I know just the place." ---- runs through the mall. Jonesy: "Kylie? Kylie?" golf cart is heading in another direction. Caitlin: calling "Kylie? Everyone's looking for you, and whomever else you might be with!" Sgt. Beef: angry "Is she with a boy?!?" Caitlin: "You shouldn't get so mad. It makes your veins all bulgy and gross." ---- and Kylie are in the freezer of Burger McFlipster's. Wyatt and Kylie: singing "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, why have you gone?/Oh, why have you gone." Wyatt: "Wow! That sounded so good, my goosebumps have goosebumps!" giggles. Kylie: giggling "Caitlin was right. You're a great songwriter." realizing "Oh. No. The concert!" ---- walks through the mall, head down. Jen: at her phone "Sorry, Travis. I tried to get you a picture with Kylie." Kylie: sunglasses "Which way to the concert stage?" Jen: "Through the food court, turn left." Kylie: "Thanks. You're the best." her sunglasses "Say cheese!" grabs Jen's cell phone and uses it to take a picture of the two of them. Jen: "Kylie?" cart pulls up. Caitlin: "Look! Jen found Kylie, not Wyatt!" Sgt. Beef: "Guess I had you wrong, babbler." crawls up to the cart. Sergeant Beef picks up Kylie and Jen and sets them in the front seat. Jen: "I got my photo! EEE!" cart peels off, leaving Jonesy behind. ---- is in the front row with her friends. Jen: "I was sulking, and she asked me a question, and I answered, and she hugged me!" Nikki: "Okay, and we're breathing now." takes the stage. The crowd cheers. Caitlin: "EEE!" Kylie: "You might be the one/Yeah you might be the guy/Play your cards right/And stick around a while/But play me for a fool/And you just wait!" Jude: "Aw, yeah!" Caitlin: "Awesome!" Kylie: "I said play me for a fool!" Caitlin: "I love you!" Kylie: "And you'll be mister yesterday!/I said play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, walk away, walk away!" Wyatt: up to his friends "Hey guys." Caitlin: "I want a full report after the show." Kylie: the song "Thank you! Now I want to sing a new song by a special new friend." eyes light up. "C'mon up, Wyatt!" Jen and Caitlin: shocked "Wyatt?" Jonesy: shocked "Wyatt?" Wyatt: shocked "Wyatt?" Kylie: "Don't let me down, Wyatt! C'mon!" heads for the stage. Caitlin: "Oh. I guess that makes sense too." walks onstage, takes his guitar from Kylie, and begins to play. Jonesy: Sergeant Beef "I can totally vouch for Wyatt, sir, he's solid gentleman material." Beef takes Jonesy's sunglasses, crushes them in his hand, and lets the tiny fragments fall. Jonesy: "Nevermind." Kylie: singing "On a cold and a rainy day/In a small cafe, yeah/I waited and waited for you." Wyatt: "We had a seaside view/The walls we pushed through/I waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "And waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "And waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "For you." crowd begins to boo. Sergeant Beef growls. Kylie and Wyatt: "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, where have you gone–" crowd begins to throw trash at them. Sergeant Beef growls and leaps onstage. Kylie: "Daddy!" Jonesy: "NNNOOOO!" Beef leaps on Wyatt. Jonesy jumps at the Sergeant and is thrown to the ground alongside Wyatt. Crowd: "Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie!" Beef performs the requested move on Wyatt and Jonesy. Jonesy: crushed "Something tells me I'm fired." ---- Jen, and Jonesy are gathered around the table. Caitlin: "I think I'm coming down from my celebrity high." Jonesy: "At least you didn't wrestle an angry building!" Jen: "Serves you right, keeping me away from Kylie all day." Wyatt: up to them "Well, Beef says I can date Kylie." and Jonesy hi-five. "In five years." Jude: "Oh Escalator Girls, come out and play!" is standing at the top of the escalator. The Escalator Girls wait for him at the base eagerly. Jen: "He does not want to live, does he?" Jude: to a bungee cord "Check out this tasty mover! Eat my dust, bras!" rides down the escalator. Inches away from the girls, his line goes taught, and he snaps back. Jude: "Woo-hoo-hoo!" the Escalator Girls watch, stunned, Nikki comes up behind each of them and gives out giant wedgies, pulling their underwear over their heads. Ron: them "3-8-11s. Indecent Exposure of Underthings. Punishment: Immediate mall expulsion!" and Jude sit at their cheering table. Caitlin: "Yay! Way to go!" Wyatt: "Nice!" Jonesy: "Yeah!" Jen: "EEE!" Nikki: "Told you I'd take care of it." Jude: "Bra, I will never doubt you. Or cross you. Again." Category:Season 4